I had this dream last night. It was the start of the Brooklyn Bi, our traditional Citycoach season opener, and I forgot my running shoes. So I was running around right after the gun went off, trying to find someone else with size 9 feet, and ... well... you know that dream.
Anxious much?
Today was the race. I'm not exactly in comeback shape. OK, I was a steady presence at bike class once a week all winter, and I have been running a few times a week fairly consistently, but sure I wouldn't call that training. Structure is really hard when juggling work and baby, and running is a bit different when pushing a jogging stroller and/or carrying one's gear home from work. But 2 mile run, 10 mile bike, 2 mile run -- and the team season opener? C'mon. Who can miss that?
So I raced. Or rather, participated in the race. And it really couldn't have been a nicer day for it. The team represented, that's for sure, and I happily brought up the rear and did so quite respectably, if I say so myself. But the whole time, I kept finding my mind asking myself "what part of this is fun?" and then "no wait, really, what part of this is fun?"
Racing is not fun. Racing hurts. Even when in prime shape -- maybe especially when in prime shape. But also when not. I left whatever it was I got out there today and yeah, it hurts then too. The instinct is there, but the body is not, and I'll indulge myself a minute to be frank about it. Being on familiar terrain was a mixed blessing. On one hand, it was nice to be 15 minutes from home on terrain where gearing is second nature and I know exactly how far away the finish line is at all times. On the other hand, it's tough knowing what splits used to be and seeing them now. Rationally, I can hit the reset button, but emotionally it can be hard to see those numbers. Numbers don't lie, especially on what couldn't be a more perfect day. And even the process of racing -- seeing someone ahead and saying "ok, reel 'em in, reel 'em in," but then watching as they just get farther and farther away, even when I think I'm in turbo mode.
So racing is not fun. It's after the race that it's fun. The accomplishment, that "race day smug" I get to wear around for the rest of the day, knowing what I was doing at ungodly hours of the morning while others, if awake, were only beginning to plan brunch. Also the reliving of it -- that sense of "next time" that starts as soon as I cross the line (oh yes, there WILL be a next time). Best of all the camraderie. Seeing those proud red and black uniforms, sweeping the age groups all around, shared pride for the PRs and hardware. That's the fun part. Today? Super big time fun.
And did I mention that when I left the house this morning, I came thisclose to forgetting to put my run shoes in my bag?
SO happy to have you back out there today. You set a great example for the others and I'm really proud of you. I'm very lucky to have so many great athletes and great friends on our team. Keep racing, and keep bringing the kid out to play.
Posted by: joncane | April 12, 2010 at 12:21 AM
Johanna, glad you are back and yes racing is not really fun but the sense of accomplishment is.
I know you will set a great example for mothers everywhere with your determination and perseverance.
Posted by: tombuffolano | April 15, 2010 at 11:35 AM
Racing and fun? Forget it! Every time I am on this run, I keep asking myself why do I do that? What I was thinking, omg that hurts badly, why?
We race becouse we love it, that deep pain which goes away right after crossing the finish line. I count the pain in minutes, then in meters, and it is over...till the next time.
You did forgot to mention how funtastic your come back was: top 10!
In numbers, they will change, big time. KNowing you they will go so steep, that you will be amazed, faster splits on those loop you were ever done before!
Posted by: Agnes | April 19, 2010 at 09:22 AM
Johanna? Sorry to post this publicly, but I had a childhood friend named Johanna Bjorken when I lived in Batavia, IL. Her father worked at Fermulab. Are you the same person? My maiden name was Renee Eward and we moved when I was in 5th grade, so it's a long shot. I'm on facebook as reneecarlson38 or Renee Carlson. My email address is rscarlson90@comcast.net. It's so wonderful to read that you have done incredible things with your life! My sister is an athlete and runs every chance she gets in my name (I'm a Breast Cancer survivor). Anyhow, sorry to have bugged you if I have the wrong person. Oh, I live in the Boston area now, not too far! - Renee
Posted by: Renee (Eward) Carlson | April 24, 2010 at 02:44 PM