How Tom Brady can help you with delivery and recovery:
Know when to throw a lateral and when to go deep: If the goal is to score a touchdown, remember that you are concerned with forward movement, whether that movement occurs on the ground or in the air. They told me to push with all my might—think of this as the largest bowel movement. In retrospect, I think I was asking the doctors to go for the long pass. Not only was I trying to shoot Simon and my uterus out, I was trying to make them airborne. A lateral pass would have sufficed and saved me the trauma to my body.
Do research before game day: I am sure Tom Brady studies and analyzes how his opponents play. We did a half-day childbirth class about a month before the delivery. At no point did I ever practice breathing properly. I was kind of thrown for a loss when it was time to push. There is a real art to pushing. From your face isn’t it. Another thing not to do—let the pressure inside build so everything explodes—and for the record, I did NOT poop on the table.
Stay positive even when things look bleak: When Tom Brady sustained a season-ending knee injury in 2008, he commented, “It will all be OK. I’m excited to see what our team is made of. ... I still like our chances,” The hematoma really sacked me and had me on bed rest for days. I spent too much time on the internet reading people’s posts about not recovering even five years later. I read these posts as gospel. It was utterly depressing to consider my life with chronic pain. This did nothing to either lift my spirits or relieve the pain. Lose-lose situation. For the record, hematoma trauma resolved itself in about 2 weeks. Also, when searching for ‘hematoma’ on the internet, block the pictures!
Adopt the attitude of a winner: Tom Brady has played in four super bowls and won three of them. No doubt, his team relied on him and he came through. Simon was relying on his mother and she needed to get it together. Feeling sorry for myself would only result in neglect of my baby. Not. An. Option. Make what you have valuable: Tom Brady was the first Patriot to win the MVP. I’d like to award my hematoma an MVP. The pain was so intense that I was able to think of everything that followed as small t’ings.
Be a baller: Tom Brady’s baby mamas are Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen. While I do NOT support leaving your pregnant wife to run into the arms of a supermodel (Defintely Team B over Team G), look in the mirror with your busted up self and celebrate all that you have accomplished. Then immediately go feed your baby and get some beauty rest.
Savor the moment: You did it! Congratulations. Enjoy your prize. Tom Brady has bling and wont be getting another when he plays the Giants in the Superbowl.