City Coach | Coach Cane's Blog

Dear A$$hole - ESPN Michael Smith Edition.

Last week after Spain's Juan Antonio Flecha and Dutchman Johnny Hoogerland were hit by a TV car during the Tour, both were injured. Hoogerland was thrown into a barbed wire fence, extracted himself from it, and recatptured his KOM jersey. The next day he started the stage with 33 stitches from the crash. Our old friend Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal accurately pointed out "If Peyton Manning crashed onto a barbed-wire fence and returned to a game, you'd never hear the end of it for the rest of your life."

But rather than recognizing Hoogerland's toughness, ESPN's Michael Smith saw the incident as comical. After viewing the crash, Smith tweeted "For real, am I wrong for laughing at that Tour de France crash? Can't get over the driver speeding off as if he didn't know he hit someone!"

He followed that with "I'm sorry that crash is hilarious. Every. Time."

Then, despite the criticism he was receiving from cyclists and anyone with a brain in their head, he continued. "It had far been too long since I'd angered an entire community. Today I've managed offend cyclists everywhere. Guess what? It's still funny."

And then this. "i'd like to apologize to cyclists, people who ride bikes, people who know people who ride bikes, and even paperboys. Happy? I miss anybody?"

He has finally tweeted a "real" apology. Consider me unmoved.  

Dear A$$hole - Homophobic Edition

It's been a while since we've had a Dear A$$hole post. It's not because there's a shortage of worthy candidates. In fact it's quite the opposite; we see them on a daily basis. But every once in a while we encounter someone who's not just an a$$hole - he's a big a$$hole. And today at the New York Road Runners therapy Facebook page, we found someone who fits that description.

Mike O'Connor, who is a Pastor at the Rockland Presbyterian Church deemed it appropriate to comment on a post about the annual Gay & Lesbian Pride race held by NYRR. Pastor O'Connor "joked" that anyone who has to stop to tie their shoe during the race would be well served to step off the course. 

I like tasteless humor as much as the next guy. (OK - maybe more than the next guy.) But making such a homophobic comment in a public forum isn't necessary, it isn't funny, and it isn't acceptable. 

Dear A$$hole - Insecure Middle Aged New Balance Wearing Edition

The submission below comes from our lovely friend Laura, who is apparently a magnet for insecure middle aged men wearing New Balances. The offense in question is said runner's insistence on trying to pass Laura despite not having the requisite conditioning to do so. The Fitness Fashion Police will also soon be addressing the issue of high white cotton socks whilst running. BTW Laura, if you notice that he's also wearing a fanny pack, you are officially deputized by the F.F.P.D. and are authorized to arrest him for fashion crimes. 

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Excuse me middle aged asshole in the park who keeps trying to race me: stop it! About once a week I find myself being annoyed by some idiot who lacks self confidence and/or a waistline. He feels he’s proved himself if he can kick up his 992s fast enough to pass me for a split second, then have some sort of spasm for 30 seconds before repeating the whole scenario. Most recently I’ve had a repeat offender. He’s a NB 992 wearer who fancies his white cotton socks way up around his calf, and he has a life goal, I’m sure, to make it the entire 3.36 miles around prospect park.

I hear you coming up behind me “uuuuh! Gasp! Uuuuuuuuuuh Gasp!” Clip cloppering like a wounded horse, I mean wounded grizzly bear. I know it makes you feel like a man to pass a woman, but sprinting flat out for 10 yards to pass me, only to stop 5 yards ahead to dry-heave doesn't mean you've won. I'll hold your pace for 10 times further than you've ever run. But that never crossed your mind because you’re too busy barfing on your shoes and flat-lining in victory after your ¼ mile of glory. Your yo-yo “running” is driving me completely nuts and impeding on my calm morning runs. It’s great that I push you like that little rabbit in a dog race, but I will not continue to “pace” you for your ½ loop of the park, providing that “I will not get beat by a girl” inspiration that is your best “training” tool. Lets see your type A office gut hold that for 5 laps, then follow me into the woods (please don’t follow me into the woods.) Goodbye asshole, and Step off!

 

 

Dear A$$hole - Guest Edition

All this charity work has gotten City Coach away from our true passion - calling obnoxious people names. Below is a submission from the lovely Hanna Jones, who came thisclose to putting a smackdown on some Prospect Park riders last year.   

Why do people do dumb shit on their bikes???!! TONIGHT IN PP: 

Riding: Dude, going the wrong way in the rec lane riding a single speed with - I kid you not - another single speed frame, complete with front wheel, wrapped around his neck. 

Riding: Dude, going the wrong way up the hill in the park riding no handed, texting, and swerving. Not looking. Visible due to all white attire, granted, but only out of sheer coincidence/luck.

Riding: Couple - this time going the right way down the hill in the park - but with a veritable MOUNTAIN of groceries, in boxes, balanced on both their front and back ends. 

All of these people, of course, not wearing helmets. WTF??? 

It's a safe bet that all four of these people are bike enthusiasts in their own rite. All of them I'm sure can and probably do sing the praises of their mode of transportation to some degree; the health benefits, the environmental benefits, the downright exhilarating feeling of flying through the streets of the city on two wheels. And all of them, I'm sure would be horrified at the idea of anyone becoming a Ghost Bike, let alone themselves. But I have a really hard time aligning myself with those people (and I do mean Those People) who show just as much disrespect of safety and responsibility on their bikes as the inconsiderate asshole motorists in the park, or the insane cab drivers who seem to play Passive Aggressive Chicken with anyone who comes within 10 feet of them, or the mean ass sanitation truck drivers who apparently ignore their blind-spots on a daily basis to get the job done fast. As far as I'm concerned, if you're a cyclist who is out there totally on your own terms, fucking it up for yourself, then you're fucking it up for the rest of us, both motorists and cyclists alike. We lose credibility against the people that hate us and write whole blogs about hitting us when we go out and do irresponsible shit. And I'm not saying that ANYONE deserves to get their ass killed when they're on a bike - helmet or no helmet, groceries or no groceries, but it definitely influences the look of the whole scenario when someone doing Dumb Shit does so. But These People just make everything worse, and I just wish people would use some friggin sense. 

Why I Take This Stuff Seriously

For those of you who wonder why I get my Lycra shorts all in a bunch over miscreants who park in bike lanes or those like Tony Kornheiser, clowns like this Facebook group, or this message board who joke about hurting cyclists, look no further than the case of professional triathlete Jordan Rapp who was nearly killed in a hit-and-run incident last week.  Thankfully, a good Samaritan likely saved his life.   

Let's Kill Tony Kornheiser

OK, let's not kill him.  We'll just tap him.

ESPN's Tony Kornheiser stepped in it again last week when, referring to cyclists, he said, "And they all, my God, with their water bottles in the back, and their stupid hats, and their shiny shorts, they're the same kind of disgusting posers that in a snowstorm come out with cross-country skis on your block. Run them down." After Lance Armstrong and others slammed him, Kornheiser backed off and said, "So you tap them. I'm not saying kill them."  

Yesterday Lance called into Kornheiser's radio show and the two made nice.  Still, after last month's rant against Hannah Storm's appearance, it's clear that Kornheiser (whom I generally like) has (understandable) issues with his own body, and resents those who are fitter and who respect their own appearance.  

Life in the Fast Lane

One evening this summer NSQ and I were working out at the Lasker Pool in Central Park.  In most pools we're firmly in the "medium" lane, but compared to the others at Lasker we're usually relatively speedy. (Kinda like being the nicest Nazi.)  Anyway, on this particular evening there was one gentleman who wandered into the fast lane and began flailing away.  After we passed him a few times, we found ourselves at the wall at the same time.  NSQ politely mentioned to the gentleman that we were in the fast lane, hoping that he'd voluntarily move to a more appropriate lane.  Without hesitation he replied "and I'm swimming as fast as I can".  Apparently, he's not the only one.  Check out this column from today's Washington Post. 

Dear A$$holes on Facebook

When I began the Dear A$$hole section of this humble blog, I decided that it was best to use it judiciously.  I vowed not to use it to call out everyone dude on the subway who hogs the seats on a subway by sitting like a $5 hooker, or who gets on the "ten items or fewer" line with a full cart.

No, for the posts to have gravity, they would have to be made sparingly, and only when richly deserved.  Well my athletic brethren, check out the Facebook group "There's a perfectly good path right next to the road you stupid cyclist!" which currently has over 31,000 a$$hole members.  Based on the comments posted there, it would seem that the group is populated by insecure, out-sized mouth breathers.  Normally I don't waste my energy on feeble minded car fanatics who overcompensate for their "shortcomings" by hiding behind a steering wheel, but since they're advocating and glorifying violence against cyclists, I feel that they're worthy of my attention (and yours.)  They have photos of real events in which cyclists have been killed, complete with pithy little comments.  So, check out the group, and if you agree report them for violating Facebook's TOS (the ''report'' link is at the bottom left of the page) or post on their page.

***UPDATE*** There is now a protest group on Facebook.  Check it out.

To the Wheelsucker

Today's installment is a joint venture between NSQ and me.

Dear A$$hole:

Yes, you in the *** *** jersey who sucked my wheel today.   Maybe drafting two strangers without even so much as announcing your presence isn't such a great idea.  Maybe riding with earbuds but no helmet isn't too bright either.  Unless I give you the okay to tickle my spleen, I think it’s best that you stay a few bike lengths ahead or behind me. Use your legs, not my gams, to power you up or down that hill. Oh, and when I opened it up on the east side to test out my new wheels, you really tried to stay with me? And on the west side when the idiot with the headphones bigger than her skull was crossing the street against the light and didn't look, what exactly would have happened if I had squeezed my brakes while you were on my wheel? 

And we don't want you to feel left out headphone lady.  Since this is a joint venture, there's enough hate to go around.  If you're gonna wear your too-cool-for-school sunglasses and old school headphones, perhaps you should look before oh-so-cavalierly crossing the road against the light. 

Love,

NSQ & JC

Dear A$$hole

My late father, Sy Cane, was a gentle and understated man.  He once wrote an angry note that read:

Dear Asshole,

F*ck you.  Strong letter to follow.

Sincerely,
Sy Cane

Out of respect to my father's memory, I am beginning a new (and presumably regular) section in this humble blog, called "Dear A$$hole".  In it, guest contributors and I will rail against the athletic indignities that are thrust upon us during our training and racing. 

Our first contribution comes from the lovely NSQ and was written shortly after her return from Riverbank State Park, where apparently there are no rules and no enforcement.

Dear A$$hole:

If I yell "track" while you are slowly walking in lane one, I would hope that after the first lap you'd figure out the etiquette. After that, my elbows will be sharpened and I'll hit you every time. Walking in lane 8 burns just as many calories as doing so in lane 1.  If you refuse to yield lane 1 and move to an outer lane with your fellow pedestrians, please do not then accost my timer and/or me, and do not threaten either of us with bodily harm as it makes you seem not only selfish, but ill-mannered. 

Kisses,
NSQ